Gravity
by KyotheKawaiiOnigiri
Summary: Rin struggles with what she wants and what she believes to be right. Is it right to protect the one you love? Even if it's at the cost of your happiness? What if the other person's already found happiness- in you? Read and find out.
1. Awake

Gravity

**Awake

* * *

**It hadn't been my intention to hurt him. No, _never_ would I, conscious or unconscious, wound him so dispassionately; or so I kept telling myself, over and over. Somehow the image of his pain-stricken face still pierced me, like an unforgiving blade that would never be freed from my heart.

Fruitlessly, I tried to block him from my thoughts. After a few more torturous hours of tossing and turning in my bed, I realized just how hopeless it was. There was no way I could vanquish these thoughts! I was aware that no sleep would come of the night. _For sleep meant dreaming,_ I told myself, _and_ _dreaming meant Haru_. The end result: an even clearer visual of his oppressed and handsome face. No longer in control of my own thoughts, remembrance of his wounded face planted the void seed of depression in my heart and mind.

Haru's eyes usually possessed such warmth, but that night, I'd caused them to hold an almost tangible distress. It was incredible how much I could hate myself.

No matter. Loss and remorse had been the inevitable from the start of that long and painful night. Why? I was too in love with him. And yet, I recognized it was a fool's game to resist him. Stubbornness and incorrigibility were all that kept me from crawling back to him, now. Moronically, I thought it to be enough.

Although regret aimed to rip me apart, I'd make as many changes as I could for his sake. I loved him enough that I'd endure never seeing him again. I'd stomach the ache, the want- the binding need to feel his touch. To relieve him of our curse, I'd put space between us… even if shrouding my judgment, and barring my very movement, was immeasurable sadness.

Guilt and rage sliced me in half, smothering me as much as the stuffy air of my room. Most of my infuriation was directed at me. Before I abused myself any further, I needed to find some breathing space from my loathsome thoughts.

I pulled myself together then, relearning how to breathe. Self-hatred of this nature was unhealthy. Cool night air was what I needed. So, tearing open my dresser, I took out the first thing my hands touched; a light jacket. It was too thin for the frigid weather outside, but I didn't care. After putting it on, I began the climb down my apartment steps.

Before I could reach the front door, a soft knock stopped me dead in my tracks. The sound was all too familiar. It chased my newly found composure to hell and back. Eyes widened, arms crossed- I didn't know what to do. To answer the door, to run back upstairs, or to ignore him, and use the back door… Really, more than anything I wanted to hold him. I missed his scent, his touch, the gentleness of his lips… I was hollow, empty without him.

Regardless, my legs wouldn't allow me forward. They were lifelessly rooted to the ground. Another gentle knock, and I could hear Haru's footsteps distancing him from my doorstep. Cowardly, and horrible; that was me.

I shook my head.

_Should I go after him?_

My legs told me no, but my mind disagreed. It kept repeating the word _coward_ over and over. So I could hurt him but not confront him? Stubborn being I was, I let my anger lead me.

I undid the lock on my door, and slid into the night. Streetlights illuminated the sidewalk, as cars, unusually quiet, passed alongside me. I could almost envision his face; his onyx eyes, his soft lips, his warm hands… I had to remind myself, again, that they were no longer mine. In a huff, I continued down the stretch of sidewalk. That is until the sound of foosteps, just behind me, made me spin around.

Turning towards the sound, my heart was suddenly in my throat. No farer than 10 feet away, Haru stood, clad in his snow-white jacket. At the sight of his soft white hair, I felt a surge of relief course through me. Relief and then terror. I hadn't exactly prepared an explanation. And he didn't give me time to think of one. My footsteps had alerted him, and shortly, I was taking on the stunned expression of a deer in headlights.

Earnest eyes carrying a look of almost palpable intensity, he strode towards me, each step carefully worked. His hands dipped into his pockets, most likely because of the icy night air, but still… The fierceness of his eyes, the way his figure approached me in a near perfect line, like he knew I'd try to run- it was beautiful and menacing at the same time. Not once did his onyx eyes leave mine. When I realized he wanted me to look at him, I turned, lost composure triggering much more than fear in me. It pissed me off that I'd risked coming out here. I didn't want to cut him any deeper than I already had. I could hear his footsteps closing in on me. Collectively, I decided that now was the time to leave. Haru's walk took on a more urgent air when he learned I meant to flee.

I couldn't think of a damned thing to say! I felt like an idiot. Petrified and scared… of what?

"Rin." His gentle voice came, just behind me.

I turned, this time, into his warm chest. We locked eyes. I turned again, but he caught my arm. Jerking away, he harshly gripped my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. Staring into his beautiful face, I could almost dismiss everything, and cling to him for life. But I wouldn't go back on what was right and just. He didn't need me. I was dead weight. Burdening. Dragging him down…

"You're cold, aren't you?" He questioned.

"Go home." I managed to say.

He shook his head.

"If you wanted that, you wouldn't be here right now."

His matter-of-fact tone stabbed me through with anger.

"I don't need you anymore. That's what I came to say."

Before I could begin to regret my words, he gave me a sad smile.

"Maybe not… But I need you."

I shoved his hands off of me, and this time he let me go.

"Stay away from me… Haru."

My voice broke on the last syllable of his name.

My knees crumbled, collapsing my entire body along with them. I thought I'd land on the cement but I felt a pair of warm hands gather me, inches before my skull hit. Nestled into his chest, the overhead sky so clear above me, I felt content. His scent was just as delicious as I'd remembered… It was the equivalent of a tranquilizer, even without the startling cold I felt, to add to my incapacitation. In my mind, I wanted to stay there forever. Never moving, never fully awake… Half asleep with his warm arms pressing me to him.

Distantly I could feel his lips molding to my forehead.

And then I fell asleep.

* * *

A/N- I've always been a big fan of the Rin/Haru pairing. Regrettably, I haven't read many convincing stories about their relationship, outside of the manga, so I plan to make one. Tell me your thoughts on this, and any constructive advice you might have is greatly appreciated. 


	2. Black and White

**Black and White**

* * *

I couldn't believe that I'd fallen asleep. In his arms, too, no doubt. What was wrong with me? How had my resolve been so thoroughly shaken? Had I missed him that much? Or was this exactly what I wanted…

To be wrapped in his warm arms, numb face pressed into his chest, shivering only at the wash of cool night air breathing past us. Yes. It was the best feeling in the world to be protected by Haru. But it was also the worst feeling to know that he still felt obligated to carry my weight for me.

I could deny my dependence of him with an iron will- but it'd still remain an iron fact. I _was _dependent on him. As such, there was no balance in our relationship. Evidently, a love like mine could only smolder, consume, until it ate away at everything around it.

Much like the Cat, my existence was built upon the struggle of others. My childhood had been picturesque- until I'd shattered it… My parents, although having a child cursed by the horse, tried their hardest to love me. But I couldn't be happy until I'd trampled on the facade of their love. I couldn't stop until I'd disillusioned it all, and torn off the careful mask they'd both sported for me as a child. True, them loving me was an illusion… But it was a comforting fantasy in my loneliness. One that I relied on… Wait? When did whether they loved me or not stop mattering? The next was the unavoidable truth; when I met him.

I pressed my face further into his chest.

Haru was like a stream of sunlight, separating the clouds of my life for me, and shedding light on things I could only realize while with him. Love. Happiness. Security. I felt like I could forgive myself a little when I was with him.

I wonder what'd he say if I told him he was still separating the clouds of my life.

I knew he'd just smile his humble smile and tell me I was being silly.

* * *

My head was swimming and my body was warm- so warm. I had no idea where I was, or if my being in Haru's arms had just been a pleasant dream. Wait. Was that his scent?

I shot up, not even bothering to smooth down the shirt that had hiked up my back.

I looked around, noting the checked comforter pooled around me, and the all too familiar scent in the air. Haru's room. That explains it.

He had brought me to his apartment… That much was obvious. But where was he? And why hadn't he brought me back to my apartment?

Fighting past my disorientation, I pressed my feet to the floor, wondering to myself if we'd slept in the same bed the night before. Blushing, I inwardly wished if we had, that I'd been awake.

In a daze, I walked past Haru's bedroom door, taking the nearby steps two at a time. When I landed in his living room, I ashamedly smiled to myself. He lay in a nest of covers on the couch, face peaceful, and breathing shallow_. _

_I kicked him out of his bed…_

Embarrassment, like liquid fire, flowed through me. I wasn't sure why but I felt out of place, like an estranged relative. It was silly. An estranged relative? Wouldn't my being welcome make me the opposite? He was the one that brought me here in fact… But… What would I say when he awakened? Hi. Sorry for breaking your heart. Yeah. That was convincing.

"What are you thinking about? You've been staring at that same piece of carpet for a minute now."

My eyes didn't lift, as I honestly answered, "You."

"Ah. Hmm… Can I ask what about?"

I allowed my eyes to skate to him across the room. He had sat upright on the couch and had begun to fold back his blankets.

"You could've made me sleep on the couch, you know."

Smiling, he got to his feet, and stretched, not noticing the fine blush that burned my cheeks as my eyes took in the splendor of his early morning form.

"I figured you'd be more comfortable up there than down here."

Unexpectedly, his words that were sweet and meant to comfort me, pierced me. I didn't have a rational reason as to why it affected me that way. It was as if… I was a forgotten great aunt dropping in to finagle his belongings. Wait. Wasn't this what I wanted? For him to stuff our love for one another away, and treat me with indifference? Sleeping in the same bed would've put my resolve in danger, again. I gulped. Unexplainable tears began to sting my eyes. As he made his way past me, blankets bundled to his chest, I found that my stubbornness wasn't as powerful as I'd thought.

"No damnit. I… I wont be 'comfortable' unless…" I had to swallow to allow myself to voice, "unless I'm close to you."

I didn't even attempt to stop the tears streaming down my face. All that I knew was that suddenly Haru's face overwhelmed my vision. He stared into my eyes, catching an escaping tear before it could fall.

"You're a pain, you know that."

It was more of a statement than a question.

Before I could even get pissed, he pressed his lips to mine, stopping my movement, and thoughts all together. His mouth against mine had the effect of a tranquilizer. It turned my legs to jello- not even the solid kind you got after refrigeration. He kissed me with urgency, need evident in the edge he kissed me with, and the fierceness of his eyes boring into mine. It was as if all the heartbreak I'd caused him, all of the pain, was forced into that lone kiss and, in turn, blown into me. It didn't help the tears already forming in my eyes. The heat of his mouth on mine sent my hands tracing patterns down his stomach, across the arch of his back, higher, until my fingers were effectively tangled in his soft white hair. He then claimed my hands in his and forced them to my sides, gently drawing me to the ground, where the blankets he'd dropped were. His eyes burned into mine, the gray orbs soft, their mind-blowing clarity reflecting desire . His eyes were like two ashen glasses. Usually gray was dull and lifeless, but his eyes were brighter than any light, clearer than any pond's reflection. I could see my face mirrored out of those eyes. My face was a mask of anticipation and worry. Before I could understand why, his hands suddenly skated across my waist, until they rested under the waistband of the shorts I wore. Then he put his hands on either side of me and kissed the side of my jaw. We were as close to one another as clothes allowed.

But for me then- there was no stopping.

I pleaded, breathlessly, "Shirt."

He, breathless too, gasped, "You mean… this."

His fingers played with the sleeve of my shirt, until my fingers twined with his.

"Yes."

"And this is what you want."

"Yes…"

My eyes burned into his, but there was something about the way he looked at me that caused me great confusion. Whatever he had seen in my eyes, then, as I waited- it bothered him.

He rolled off of me, hand slipping out of mine. It wasn't until he raised himself from me that I knew something was up.

"Haru?"

He didn't answer. Instead he turned his back on me.

"What's wrong?"

What had I done? Had I been too needy? Was I already smothering him?

He heavily sighed, and said, "_This_ is wrong…"

I pulled myself up from the ground.

_But didn't he start kissing me first?_

"Making love to me is wrong?"

He turned to face me, sadness set deep into his eyes.

"That's the theory."

I couldn't stand the hurt I saw in his eyes as he said this. He was still… distantly trying to feign off the hurt he felt. Presumptuous it was to think I'd be forgiven at the drop of a coin. But I didn't care then. Selfishly, I disregarded everything but what I wanted. Like I always did. And he was just that. His forgiveness in the form of sex. It was exactly what I wanted…

I strode over to where he stood, just mere feet from where he'd almost taken me, seconds ago.

I wanted to feel him inside of me- to be as close to him as flesh allowed. I couldn't stand being rejected by him, in so many words… Anger filled my heart then. Why would Haru initiate something like that and just stop? Was he trying to get back at me? To make me feel the way I'd made him feel?

"You were all set on fucking me seconds ago. And now you… you won't even look at me." I tilted his chin until his eyes settled on mine. "I should've known that looking back would… end up hurting me in the end. It was a _waste_." I was trying to strike a nerve, toss his feelings around, force him to hate me- or to comply. Yes. _Back then, I was good at that. Manipulation was my sport and he was a novice. Too pure. Too innocent. _If he was toying with me I could do the same.

His face was still passive, as if he were used to being hurt. Retrospectively, maybe that was true…

His voice suddenly flooded across my thoughts then, "I love you Rin but we… we can't. I'm afraid you'll disappear. And knowing I'll never get to touch you again… I'm desensitized since it's been so long… But I can't let that haunt me, too. I can't cross that line again until I'm sure."

I wanted him to tell me he hated me. That I was a waste. But he did just the opposite. He honestly thought it was a bad idea. He wasn't toying with me. Even though I'd treated him like a stranger for the past 3 months… He forgave me, looking out for my best interest as if it was second nature. I felt like the worse person alive… Hell I was the worst person alive. I didn't deserve him. I shouldn't be able to put that look in his eyes either! I was worthless. Empty. I played with his emotions until they were knotted, and then while they were effectively twisted in my palm, struggling to unravel, I cut them. Cut them apart with my words, my self proclaimed 'justice'. Was I protecting him or hurting him out of pleasure? Was I that sick? What came over me then wasn't unlike a breakdown.

"Forget everything. Forget everything and leave me the fuck alone. I'm sick of you! Sick of that smile you wear when I've stomped your heart into little pieces! Hell! I've got your blood on my hands and all you know how to do is apologize for bleeding! Fuck! Get mad, angry! Scream at me! Tell me you fucking hate me! Because I hate you! I do! You make me feel this way. Hopeless, selfish, cruel. Be a man, Haru. For once give me what I deserve!"

He looked at me, with such sadness in his eyes. His pain wasn't deserving. I heaved for breath, feeling like hitting something. When he didn't say anything I got even more pissed.

"Aren't you going to tell me to go to hell?! Aren't you going to tell me to never see you again?" I spat my words in his face, shoving at his shoulder until he lost his balance.

He caught his balance on the edge of his couch.

"No Rin. I'm not." His voice was low, angry.

I leaned forward, hand poised to slap him, but he stopped my hand inches before hitting his face.

He looked up at me, and a different man stared back through his eyes. Black Haru.

"Rin, I want you, and you know that." He said angrily, taking a step toward me.

His fingers brushed through my hair, lingering at the end of each strand.

"You're beautiful… But most of all… I love you. But you want me to die, don't you?"

I hesitated, taken aback at his sudden change in character. "No. That's not it."

"You want me out of your life… That's why you've kept your distance. You never loved me. You fucking hate me, right?"

I couldn't stand the satisfied look in his eyes, as if saying I hated him was the same as telling him I loved him. He'd never turned into Black Haru in my presence before… My anger couldn't be stamped out, even to save my life. "Yes I do hate you. I want you out of my life."

He gave me a simpering smile, as if my words were a shared joke. Haru wore only what he'd worn to bed the night before- a pair of black sweats. His toned abs and arms, although a great turn on most of the time, frightened me. He was a loose cannon when he changed into his Black personality.

"I thought you hated me. I always knew I revolted you. Otherwise why would you say the things you say, distance yourself from me like you do. You get me stoked, and then throw me away. You're protecting me the only way you know how. Really, it's just short of torture. You're so cold, so selfish Rin- but I love you. I love you so fucking much."

I stepped back, until my butt hit his wall.

"You shouldn't."

He smiled at me, an angry smirk that didn't suit Haru's normally kind face.

"I think that my death would prove to be most beneficial for you. That way you can go on with your life as though I never existed. Isn't that what you've wanted this whole time? Some way to alleviate your guilt? Huh? Is that why you've ignored me for three months? Well, here it is. It's not as though you'll lose anything."

Even cowering against his wall, heart thundering in my chest, I managed to yell,"Fuck you! You know that that's not true!"

_But it was. I wanted just that. To be forgiven. But all the other stuff- I wanted him to be alive and happy more than anyone else. I didn't want to erase him from my memory- I wanted him to erase me from his, for his own good._

"Gladly."

He crept towards the stretch of wall I cringed in, and took hold of my shoulders, jerking me forward. I struggled to get away, grinding the palm of my hand against his chest, trying to break free of him.

"You said 'fuck you'. Isn't that why you're pissed off anyway? Because I wouldn't have you on the floor? It's all for you. All so you feel better. You don't care how I feel! You only care about yourself. Was fucking always about you, Rin? Huh? Was it bullshit too when you told me you loved me? Pfft… There's always an ulterior motive with you. But I don't care."

He yanked my chin until I was looking down my nose at him. I could almost taste his sweet breath on the back of my tongue.

"I wonder what your motive is even now. If I say you're forgiven, can we still finish it?"

I was about to answer him… set on telling him to go to hell, and elbow him in the stomach…

Then he kissed me, fiercely claiming my lips. I had to open my mouth, or deal with a bruised one in the morning. His tongue wasn't as gentle as it normally was, neither was the way he pushed me against the couch. I didn't try to stop him. I felt as though I owed him this much at least…Honestly, I'd wanted him from the start. And it was a fool's game to resist someone so frighteningly beautiful, someone so radiant. Even if he wasn't his self… I wanted to feel him inside of me, to share something with him other than misery and strife. I felt his teeth lightly graze the edge of my chin, my neck- the warmth of his mouth made me violently shudder against the couch.

But I felt guilty… So wrong. I needed… I needed to rectify my mistakes… and leave him alone for good. I needed to be honest. Even though he was Black Haru he looked wounded. He wouldn't so much as look at me as he kissed me.

"Haru. I love you." I breathed, when he finally drew back from me.

"I love you… Only you." I promised, voice panicked.

He pulled away from me and shook his head.

"You're a liar. You want me to die." Haru said this as naturally as anything.

A sigh filled the air.

He gave me a sad smile. "Kill me Rin. I know you want to."

His eyes widened, as I tugged him down to meet his lips with mine again.

"No. You're being stupid…" I breathed against his lips.

"Am I? Rin… if your words had cutting edges… I'd have bled out long ago. I just want to make you happy. And if my blood on your hands is the answer… Then so be it."

He gave me a challenging look.

"Kill me so you can be happy. If I can't have you, if you don't want me- then I'm better off anyway. That way you'll never have to look at me again."

I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could, and he wasted no time jerking away from me. Anxious, I struggled to turn his chin, until he had no choice but to look at me.

"I love you and you do have me! I want to give you everything. But I'm not worth it! This whole time I've been trying to protect you because... You don't need me! I want you, no need you to see that! I want you to be happy, not drag you down… and make you hate me. If anyone should die, it's me. I've destroyed too much, thrown your love in your face too many times. Incited pain in your heart for far too long now. Someone else… anyone else would be better for you."

His gray eyes brimmed sorrow at this, and it all but made me scream. I was tired of hurting this man, making that look come into his eyes.

When I realized the thick silence filling the room, I continued," So don't you say things like 'kill me' or 'you hate me'! I would kill myself if it meant your happiness. I love you so much it'll be the death of me!"

I looked into his eyes, and could tell by their shift in intensity that he'd reverted back. He leaned into me, until our noses brushed, and I could feel the heat from his lips.

"Then let me bring you back to life… Let me put to rest the pain you feel… Together, we can balance out the weight… and manage it. Quit blaming yourself. You're the only person alive for me."

He pressed his lips against mine.

"Stop protecting me. I'm a man. A man in love. You can't keep me away forever, no matter what horrible things you say, or stupid thoughts you plant into your mind. You've never drug me down. You've given me all that I need. Hate you? That borders on the insane."

I was shell shocked at his words. He furrowed his eyebrow in confusion, and continued.

"Oh and another thing- you're forgiven."

I guess my reaction was contrary to what he'd had in mind. He waited for me to speak, then fished for something that'd make me reply.

"If you really do hate me though, you can kill me. I'll let you. If my existence is what's causing you such grief, I'll gladly let you rob me of it."

I couldn't stand hearing him say those words.

"No. I think…"

"Think that you're leaving?"

"Yeah."

He shook his head.

"I'm sorry."

'No. It's me who's sorry. You have no reason to be." I told him, searching the room for my shoes, glancing at everything but him.

When I couldn't use the objects around the room to distract me any longer, I looked at the man in front of me whose expression was no less than astounded.

He quickly found his words.

"Then why the hell are you going?!"

"Because I haven't forgiven myself. All the awful things I say only cause others pain."

"I'm fine! I know why you said what you said… To get me to hate you. You should've known that it was a useless battle. For your naiveté I've forgiv-"

"Haru. Stop. I'm disgusted with myself. Until I've forgiven me…"

"So after all that, you're going to run away? After telling me you love me, after the storms blown over…"

I looked at him like a drowning person might.

"What if I hurt you again? What then?"

Haru sighed so loudly that it startled me.

"I don't need protection. I need you. Only you. I want to protect you. I want everything that you entail… Even your sharp tongue and crazy ideas about protecting me. Just… _stay_."

He walked until his 6'1 frame overwhelmed mine. He rested his forehead on mine and pressed my head into his chest. The tears wouldn't stop. He kissed them away.

The truth was I was a coward. A coward in love.

I couldn't protect him. He didn't need protection. I loved him. That much was true. After it all… he accepted me. He didn't hate me. I felt like I could breathe past my guilt a little, and smile without holding back.

* * *

A/N- Wow. I haven't updated this in forever. Well, I hope everyone's enjoyed this chapter! I worked hard on it. Expect an update shortly.


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